If you are a military spouse, you have either already dealt with a deployment, or will one day be dealing with one. It's truly sad the world we live in, but it's inevitable that your husband's time will come. It's never easy to prepare for, or live through a deployment. You try your hardest to stand tall, and trudge through the days, but as everything else, some days are easier than others.
There are "stages" as they call it, during a deployment... I have hit the "second stage". See the first stage, is learning about the deployment. We actually learned far in advance with this one. I'm not sure if it makes things easier, or more bearable, it's all just very hard. I'm sure I was very clingy with by husband and wanted him all to myself. Yet, he still had work to do, and a job that required him working long hours. Our kids needed him, and he needed them. It's hard to find that balance.
I know he could hear the panic in my voice, as we would prepare needed documents. Have you ever prepared a Will? Have you ever talked to your husband about who would take care of your kids, in an event something happened to you and him both? That is a lot to swallow. We did this two years ago, with his last deployment... but you always have to adjust these papers. You know in your heart NOTHING will happen to your husband (or you), but it's important to have these papers for your kids.
As time grew near, I almost wanted him to just hurry and leave. I know this sounds odd, but the waiting around is so very hard. You just know in your heart, the sooner they leave, the sooner they will return.
Second Stage - I am at this stage. The day he left was very hard, it was hard on him, me, the kids. It's an emotional time saying goodbye to your spouse knowing you won't see him for several more months. You look back that last time at the airport to catch that glimpse of him walking through security. You hold it together ( as much as you can), in front of him, but completely loose it when he is out of your sight. Your kids loose it, you have to juggle carrying two kids to the car, who are sobbing, as you are sobbing too. You tell the kids it's ok to cry, and you pray to God, that HE will help you get though this. You also tell yourself that God WILL keep him safe, and out of harms way. You find peace that it's out of your hands... but you still want to be in control.
During this time, your life is a complete roller-coaster. You are happy one day, sad the next. You are watching the days past quickly, than the weekend hits and days start to slow. You have trouble sleeping, and begin to let your anxiety get the best of you. I was hoping this wouldn't happen to me, surviving many other times my husband has been away.. but it does. You decide to let the kids sleep with you, just for peace of mind (and cuddles). It's just easier that way.
I had a complete ugly cry last night. I had not cried really hard since he left, until last night. Not sure if I was just completely worn out from a busy week, not sure if it was just late.... who knows. It's hard to be strong all the time, and sometimes a good cry is all you can do. Thankful the kids were resting easy, in our bed. Sophi always asks me if she can see my eyes. She worries about me I think. If I ever get tearied eyes, she comes and hugs me and says, "Mama, look at my eyes." She cries, if I cry. I can't stand to see our kids cry. I guess she doesn't like to see mama cry.
This morning I woke, with a new day, and the hopes I would keep my emotions in check. Well, I messed up and watched parts of Dear John..... DON'T do this, when you have a husband deployed. What in the world was I thinking. Anyway, it's been a few emotional days the past few nights.... I'm entitled to it, I guess. It's important to give yourself grace and tell yourself, this too shall pass.
Third Stage - We're not quite here yet.. but this is the stage that you are in such a routine, and you are able to carry on the daily tasks without blinking an eye. This is the stage when people ask how you are holding up, and you say, "Oh, we're great," and the person looking at you is thinking.... really, seriously? I'm not sure if you just mask everything because you know you have to get through it... or maybe God just gives us the strength to carry on. We are getting to this stage... we're in somewhat of a routine, I just have to remember to not cram so much in during a week, where I get physically exhausted. This 41 year old, can't carry on like I used to. The kids need me at 100%, so I have to remind myself of this.
Fourth and Final Stage - Last Month of Deployment.... stay tuned!! :)
So I ask for you all to pray this and remember this scripture.. Joshua 1:9 – This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
I will be strong, even though I might be completely falling apart inside. I will not be discouraged, because I know our God above will look after my husband and our family. Love this scripture because I know I am not alone... HE will carry us through.
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